Welcome to my first bumpdate. YES!! you hear me. A BUMP! which literally means I am pregnant with my second child. And for this reason, I was being absent for a while from blogging.
Honestly, at this time pregnancy, I feel constantly tired as my foetus grows bigger rapidly while taking care of a busy toddler. Please, don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t complaining at all for falling pregnant, in fact, I was so joyful to be able to carry another little human within my body. It wasn’t an easy journey for me and my husband to conceive with our second baby. Till, we found out the 2 pink lines around 19 weeks ago – it’s positive ++.
It was 6am in the morning, I woke up with such a big curiosity and anxiety. I have been getting mild nauseous every night for 3 weeks in a row, then I realised that my period is supposed to coming soon. But, I refused to get my hopes up on falling pregnant this time, cause this jinx has been happening multiple times in the past 2 years; where I delusive myself for falling pregnant. My brain worked so hard on sending false reports to my soul, which confused and drained my hormones and body; it delayed the blood circulation in my body then caused me a “late” period. blah blah blah… this is my biggest fear; to get my hopes crushed once again. Dear God, NOT THIS TIME.
The hardest part of this journey is not about failing to conceive. BUT, finding zero faults to conceive. It is easier to get back up when you fall on a solid ground than a flimsy ground. Infertility is acceptable when you find any difficulties medical proof within your body. Whereas in our case, we found NO FAULTS in our body that cause the barrenness. Two of us were healthy af. Nonetheless, no sperm (not one), landed on to my ovary successfully. What could go wrong??!! It was so instant with our first baby, but NOT with the second one. I am sorry to hear that, but I was struggling to find one reasonable supports for this fact I am facing today. This was tough for me, for I am a woman. I started to question my body, blamed my husband, hate other pregnant women, doubted my faith, and mad at myself. I was living in jealousy and insecurity for almost 12 months. As a matter of fact, I, who was physically barren at that time felt the the call to be a mother more passionately than the woman with many children on her arms. You see, often in our place of lack there is a deep desire. Your desire is amplified and empowered because it reflects a God-given capacity meant to produce fruit. That moment, I realised that only God who has the capacity to produce fruit; not the doctor, not my husband, not my womb, not even myself. All controls are in His hands. And He knows our silent desire, and He will give it to us as long as we’re keep leaning on to Him.
Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. – Psalms 37:4
I don’t know why, that morning was kinda different. I felt a really strong gut in my heart that I need to do another test-pack. Then, I opened my drawer, picked the last test-pack stick of the year, and I guess, I braved myself to take a leap of faith while closing both eyes for 3 minutes (trust me: it felt like the longest 3 minutes in my entire life). The moment i saw the result, tears started to come down, my heart was overwhelmed with joy and disbelief. Andri was overseas for ministry trip the day I found the big news, and wanting to avoid all the dramas and over-reaction from anyone relatives and friends, I decided to not spill any beans on the table till Andri’s back in town.
2 weeks of ridiculous morning sickness and fatigue was tough without your hubby, finally… the day came, we reunited with such a thrilled comforting baby news few weeks after our Anniversary Day. What could I say?! GOD IS GOOD. ALL THE TIME. IN EVERY SEASON.
What a highlight for our family this year! WE ARE 24 WEEKS PREGNANT WITH OUR SECOND BABY. The burps, the punches, the kicks, the need to pee every 5 minutes, I can strongly feel them everyday. I am feeling pregnant again. wohoooo!!
And little update from the big brother, he’s SOOOO EXCITED to have another addition to the squad. He greets the baby every morning and throws the blame of his wrongdoings every time-out time. Smells like a love-hate real-tionship has currently building up.
What a way to start off this joyous festive season. I hope you will find courage once again to get your hopes up during this Christmas season, for the best gift you could ever imagined has born 2000 years ago. He has a name. His name is HOPE. He is Jesus Christ.