confession

Do you find motherhood challenging? Do you feel inadequate for the role? Are you scared? Are feeling frustrated? How much sleep do you get this week? How many coffee do you finish a day?

and the list goes on…

Growing up I always want to be a mother. I love kids, and they love me. Not until I had my first child; not knowing what actual motherhood was like, and being afraid to talk about it with anyone. Everything started to change – one by one, little by little, day by day. How life changing and how emotionally complex a time it is for women – the powerful change of identity new mothers go through, the isolation of post-partum depression, and the on-going attachment. But it is still by far the greatest accomplishment I have ever achieved in my life. *pat on the back*

We all know being a mother is never an easy job. Unlike 9 – 5 regular job, it requires all of your time, mind, energy, soul – ALL OF YOU. You can’t leave when you don’t feel like doing it. Everyday is a battle between mind and soul. Some peer pressures may add the nerves within you.

When all those things collide, I learnt quickly that in order for me to survive motherhood is by doing it my way.

And some of the ways are not ordinary to most ears. It might SHOCK most of the new mothers or soon to be a mother. So, are you ready?? These are my 3 ODD THINGS ON HOW TO SURVIVE MOTHERHOOD

YOU DON’T ALWAYS NEED AN ANSWER TO ALL YOUR QUESTIONS

Human brains, especially mom brains, in general don’t like dealing with ambiguity. We want to (believe that we) make decisions based on knowing all the facts.

Why does my 24 months old baby has suffer from sleep regression? When can you start introducing sugars to a child? What is the best gap between your first and second child? How can I remain calm when my toddler’s screaming and slamming her head on the wall during the groceries? Should I give my kid iPad and video games?

Unfortunately, this motherhood journey comes with no manual book, no contract, no insurance. There is no right or wrong, black or white. Every curiosity, every perplexity, every anxiety, every scarcity – these feelings are valid but not definite. There’s always a pro and contra to your questions. And that is okay. These should not affect your decision making process. Because remember you are doing motherhood for yourself and your children, NOT for other monsters.

So, calm down…stop putting all the pressures on yourself – to get everything fixed on the tip of your finger. Your brain may filled with 963,815 questions a day, your heart may rushed to 225 km/hr but you gotta accept the fact that some questions may not be answered instantly TODAY. But, ONE DAY you will get there. ONDE DAY you will understand why does thing happen accordingly in the past. Even when you find NO answer to your ambiguity, my one piece of advice, never give up on this hood called motherhood.

You are never alone on this journey, you are not the only clueless person on this crazy road. Ask around, speak up, and stay positive. You don’t need to figure out these puzzles alone today.

ONE PLUS ONE DOES NOT NECESSARILY TWO

What does motherhood to do with this complicated mathematical riddle. THAT’S IT! It is complicated. What I mean by this is not everyone will understand and accept this fact. SO, bear with it!! 1 + 1 = 3 ; this statement bothers most of mathematicians, it intrigued them to proof that it is true. However, to most of us – common people, we don’t really care on this debate.

And this is exactly what I feel about modern motherhood. Not everybody could understand the physical and mental struggles a mother has to face everyday. I am talking about SAHM, working moms, mom of one or twins, single moms. WE ARE ALL MOTHERS. We are all putting the same effort to raise our kids. We are all moving towards one purpose. But sadly, nowadays, the society often times try to part us into different segments. Then, the next day we wake up in mothers rivalry. Who are doing better and who are working harder?

To me, no matter what! All mothers are a super woman (full stop). They are the first one to wake up in the morning – the last one to to lay her head on bed. They gave up their body, they gave up their sleeps, they gave up their freedom, they gave up their space, they gave up their moments, they gave up their life for just one breath. They are the most selfish person on this entire world. AND I RESPECT ALL OF YOU. YOU ARE MY HERO.

That is why this topic annoys me a lot. And I feel that I had to speak up for myself. This is me explaining 1 + 1 = 3 is possibly true. The society has their own perception on motherhood. So do us, we have our own voice about motherhood. Do not let it break us, instead let the similarity unite us. So next time, when the society says you should not go back to work until at least your baby 12 months old OR they might question the things you are doing with your kids at home today, look at them in the eyes and share your voice confidently.

This journey is not meant for the weak. This gig is designed for those who are committed. This road is build for those who are willing to go extra miles, those who are open-minded, those who are extraordinaire, those who are brave enough to take the risk.

REMEMBER THIS

Bottom line: Motherhood is not for anyone. And you are blessed to be one of its special breed.

BREAK THE RULES

YES! You hear this. BREAK THE RULES> rules are there in the first place to be broken, right? jkjkjk

With the firstborn I used to do everything textbook / Google accordingly. Unfortunately, with the second one, I have got very minimal time to follow step 1 to 10. Many times I skipped the step 1 to 6, jumped onto 7 straight away. Or otherwise, I would find Jared with another lollies in his mouth or bubbles on his throat.

Thus, I quickly learnt in order to survive motherhood, I gotta learn how to break the rules. The rules of breast feed vs bottle feed. The rules of co-sleep or crib sleep. The rules of BLW vs spoon feeding. The rules of spanking vs time out.

At this time round, I choose to do whatever works best for the me and my kids at the time. I know I used to be strict with routines. But, let’s be honest, routines are draining. For those who are having zero support system other than your husband in the house, living with routines and kids are hard work. I used up all my energy in yelling and chasing my toddlers rather than enjoying the magical moments we may create in between.

So quick updates on my life lately:

I don’t only breast feed. I combine breast feed and bottle feed Asher (depends on the circumstances). Mostly when I’m home during day time I breast feed him exclusively. And he’s happy to take either breast and bottle. So, I am happy too.
I stop sterilise bottles and other baby utensils – just because it takes forever to me to get ready. Boiling water is the way I roll these days.
I do half co-sleep with Asher just because I have already set up a cot for him inside the boys room and our bed is not spacious enough to fit another human on it. (We definitely need an upgrade to super King size). So, first half of the night, Asher will spend his sleep on his cot on the boys room, when he wakes up for night feeding, I will take him with me till the morning.
I slap and yell at Jared. But I don’t prefer to make that as my first response towards his daily misbehaviour. I ask him for time out at the first place then if he did the same mistake for the second time round, I have to give him a punishment as the consequence of his action. Then, I do reconciliation every night before bed with him then we pray together.

My advice to all mothers of one, two, three or many more. Your intuition is your best weapon. Follow them and wear them with pride.

Never ever feel sorry for breaking the rules, instead feel sorry for yourself for breaking down your mental health by following the rules.

Mama your way is the only way you do motherhood.

There is no hood like motherhood. Wishing you all the best and luck in thriving this gig. X

Love,

Kenny

Attention to bad behavior increases bad behavior (yelling, lecturing, scolding, spanking and punishing are all forms of negative attention), while attention to good behavior increases good behavior.

I was struggling to deal with a two year old J. He becomes fussier, more demanding, more fractious, more resistant, more stubborn. I freaked out whenever the tantrums hit. Especially ON PUBLIC, when I’m doing groceries or coffee catch-ups. When all eyes are ON me; all fingers are pointing AT me. Yelling, spanking, bribery, I literally unload all stuffs inside my bag. I did everything I could, but he went more hysterical and rebels against me.

And then I read above quote : Attention to bad behavior increases bad behavior (yelling, lecturing, scolding, spanking and punishing are all forms of negative attention), while attention to good behavior increases good behavior.

Then I realised that I’ve been give a wrong approach to J’s tantrums and bad behaviours. The harder I push myself on fixing his bad behaviour, the more efforts he will hardened himself to change. It’s just the nature of growing. So, I’ve learned from my mistakes.

And here are my successful tips in dealing with tantrums and rebellious toddler:

Try to BE CALM in every situation : your kids are able to sense your feelings/emotions. If they see you’re panicking, they will become one too. But, if they see your calm face, then they will calm down themselves too. When they hear you yell or scream, they will cry even harder.
Learn to IGNORE – or walk away from annoying behaviour : when you stop giving attention to the annoying behaviour, there’s nothing in it for the child. They may start to throw more tantrums at first for not getting what they want as it used to be, but eventually they will realise that tantrums won’t work anymore.
DISTRACT their focus to their favourite things : this trick is the best magic we could ever do to Mr. J, this guy loves his snack time, and whenever he cries in the car, in the laundry, under my feet, I always straight away offer him food. And as soon as he hears snacks, he stop crying. Do not focus on saying “don’t cry, stop crying” cause it makes them more focus on the crying itself, cause that’s the only word they could hear from us.
Give an instruction only ONCE : Don’t foster greater disobedience by giving it a lot of attention. If you focus on their defiance, it will actually increase. With J, I try to tell him once and then watch his following reaction from a far. Most of the results surprise me.
CHANGE our language – find the “positive opposite” of “stop” and “don’t” instead of saying “do not use your shoes at home”, change it to “please take off your shoes before you enter the house”
REWARD every positive good behaviours they do : after all, this thing matter the most, they learn and grow become a better person. So, every little praise, smile, high five, word of encouragement counts. Give extra attention to the positive behaviour they do and give them an assurance that they are on the right track.

These methods NOT only works well for Jared, but for me too. It gave me a big change. To be ease on myself, cause after all, I can’t change people according to my time and will. I can expect them to change the way I want them to be in such period of time. I gotta remind myself that I’m dealing with a 2.9 feet tall human being that see things differently than what I see. One way to understand their perspective is by kneeling down on their shoes and become a mature version of them. So, mommies, let’s take a deep breath and be easy on ourself and to our kids more. As long as we live on this earth, we are all still on the run of learning process. This is called the SCHOOL OF LIFE. xx

Love,

the Tjungs

Tag: confession

3 ODD THINGS TO THRIVE MOTHERHOOD