life

MOTHERHOOD TRAP

Well, finally they were asleep… Where should I start?

Expectation: 1) clean the crumbs on the floor, disinfect the high chair 2) load the laundries onto washing machine 3) cook dinner 5) wash the dishes 6) clean the toilet 7) hang the laundries 8) tidy up the toys.

Reality: 1) make a warm cuppa 2) sit on my favourite couch 3) fashion magz and iPhone on both hands until I hear the weird noise from the other room.

Gap: Motherhood Trap

Yes, this is motherhood trap

The feeling to be and do everything, all the time. Oh I am serious on this! This feeling is toxically good. I mean on one side you may feel superior for becoming the primary carer for the house/family. However, on the other side you may end up burning yourself up with responsibilities.

NOPE! I refuse to be overwhelmed with my role as a mother. Motherhood is supposed to be enjoyed, not endured. Often times the gap between our expectation and the reality is getting bigger and bigger. And if you’ve never decided to address and treat this issue well, this will only trigger the crap out of you. Because you will always feel defeated by your situation which eventually will crack you under pressure.

Because hey mummas…. It’s a world of contrasts. We’re being pulled in a thousand different directions everyday; having a battle between being a mum or a cook, a mum or a cleaner, being a mum or career woman, a mum or a wife ALL DAY LONG. Perhaps, I should put it this way, we are literally trapped in a several worlds, holding the laundry basket on hip, walking the puppies, holding it all together and there is no way of pleasing everyone.

Yes, this is motherhood trap

It is complicated – new mums, if only we can simply sleep while the baby sleeps. For me, I know that is the only time I can get my things done (households and works). Everyday is full of choices and sacrifices. And with each choice came, unbidden, a sense of guilt or regret or anxiety: Maybe I should have played with the kids instead of cooking dinner? Maybe I should have tidied the house instead of having a lie-down?

Yes, this is motherhood trap

There is no way we can avoid this situation. BUT, there some ways we can rise up to the occasions. So, let me share 2 TRUTHS ABOUT YOU, MUM:

1. You are a capable mother NOT a perfect mother

A mother can do anything but not everything. Always keep in your mind that you can not get everything on top of you. Do things one at a time, by following these steps:

Make a day to day to-do-list to simplify your tasks (categorise them based on your priorities),
cross each task you have done, and
do a quick review at night, lastly
celebrate every small wins you have done in a day.

2. What you do today will never devalue your identity as a mother

Whatever choices you make today come with consequences. Never feel less about yourself. Believe on what you choose is for the benefits of the family. And in case you just had a bad day, please don’t milk it for too long. Stop a moment, take a deep breath and move on. You’ve still got many mothering things to do.

THUS…LET’S CLIMB OUT OF THIS MOTHERHOOD TRAP

Love,

Kenny

7 TIPS TO GET YOUR KIDS TO SLEEP ALONE

I have to say how happy I am to tuck in a happy kid in bed after 3 years of needing to lay with him till he fell into very deep sleep OR many times I ended up waking up on his bed.

Does it sounds familiar in your household? Then maybe these tips are for you or at least letting you know that it’s possible. Cause I doubted it too. 😉

But, today I am proudly say that these tips do good to us, as a husband and wife, a father and mother. We wake up feeling good.

7 TIPS TO GET YOUR KIDS TO SLEEP ALONE

1. REASON

Always give your kid a reason behind your action.

I used to say to him that “he is now a big boy, he is brave, etc.” But somehow, it didn’t work. Telling him the fact of his present existence isn’t really helpful.

Then, I tried to use a different approach, “blame others”. I told Jared, that the doctor wants mommy and daddy to sleep at mommy’s bed so baby could have a nice sleep without being possibly kicked by him. While daddy’s need to help mommy in case mommy need to pee at night. He somehow got this idea and let us sleep in our bedroom.

I am not suggesting you to tell any lies to your kids, give them more specific reason which weight on others than YOU, parents. Because kids, they are tend to regards others/strangers highly than their closest ones.

2. REWARD

It is time to congratulate them for their successful effort. By giving them a reward. A sticker, kinder egg, lollies, anything on their top list will do. Because who doesn’t love acknowledgement?! Even a small reward will help to boost the confidence of your minis.

I used to have a sleep tracker stuck on Jared’s bedroom wall. It’s a monthly calendar filled with stickers. 1 sticker for 1 successful night. Every night before bed I always point out to that “sleep track calendar” to remind him of how close he is from getting all the stickers collection.

3. REDUCE

If you happened to get used to stay at your kids room until they fell asleep, you might want to try to reduce your stay inside.

Find an excuse to get out of their room with a promise to come back afterwards.
Be specific in what you are going to do and when are you coming back.

For example: Mommy needs to throw some laundries to the drier, be back for 5 minutes. Mommy needs to use the toilet to do #2, I promise I’ll be finished in 5 minutes max. Mommy needs to call aunty XX to arrange our playdate tomorrow, be back in 7 minutes. Then, please make sure you’re back at the right time.

My point is this; try to reduce your stay inside your kids’ room to loosen the their attachment before sleep with you. Make them used to with the new (alone) environment.

Do this gradually. A drastic change may cause a shock to your child’s mental. Give time for your child to process the new forms and informations you are trying to implement in the house. Again, it’s all about the progress not the process. We’ve started with 3 minutes – 5 minutes – 10 minutes – standing on his door – 15 minutes – to not coming back because all we can hear is silent.

4. RELY ON THEM

Rely on their choices. They know what works best for them. They know what makes them comfortable most. Let them do it their way. Involve them in the process, count their opinions.

Every time (still today) before I leave the room, I always throw questions to Jared on how he would like to set the mood inside his room which will help him to send him help faster.

do you want me to leave your water bottle next to you or may I take it with me?
do you want me to cover your whole body with blanket or just your feet?
do you want me to turn off or leave the lights on?
do you want me to close or leave the door open?

I realised, by allowing Jared to has input in some of the minor decisions, he can begin to feel important and have confidence in their abilities to do so.

5. REINFORCE

Do not forget to send good vibes in the morning post a successful night.

“Mommy and Daddy had such a very good night, and baby were happy too.”

“Mommy is feeling really good this morning, can’t wait to have more fun with you.”

Give the positive credits to your kids as a reassurance of their brave action. “Because of you, I can ________________” (fill in the gap).

6. RESTRAINT

This is the hardest part. One night must be easy. The other nights must be super challenging. One thing to remember, stand on your ground. Restraint on your feet. Do not give in.

There were nights when I had to send him to his room back and forth 20 times; which were very frustrating both physical and emotional. There were nights I ended up raising my voice. BUT, I stand on my belief, that WE (Jared and mommy) can do this together. Both parents and kids need to support one another in order to succeed this challenge.

7. REPEAT

Repeat above steps again and again.

After approximately 60 days of training, consist of repetition of some bedtime routines (which I will post in details next week), we finally made it. Through this repetition, Jared was improved his confidence. The new routine had been set up. And we can’t be more proud and happier than this.

These routine is really helpful for me especially with the addition of the newborn in the house, I am able to get more works done around the house.

Above routine is best to apply for those of you who are not doing co-sleep. Including me, I and hubby chose to choose crib-sleep and keep our bed as our sanctuary. Read more about our crib-sleep journey here.

Above approach isn’t a sleep training, this is for toddlers who has been sleeping through the night without needing any bottle or still weaning. This does not requires a tough love. This requires a lot of patience, assurance, and explanations. Each toddler may not sit at the same level of readiness. Some toddlers, they need more time to adapt, while others may take it instantly.

Nonethless, one key to rememeber; is to keep doing it, and doing it right. You can’t do it for 3 days straight, then stop for the whole week. You gotta be consistent in implementing this new lifestyle.

If you find these tips helpful, leave your comments below. Or you might wanna share some of your tips too, I am more than happy to hear that. Happy trying!! May you have some good quality pillow talks with your partner. Time to mend the romance back. X

Love,

Kenny

7 RITUALS TO KEEP MY SANITY AS A MOTHER

I had a lot of questions from families and friends regarding my recent status as a mom of 2 boys;

how do you cope with 2 kids?

My classic answer would be – Yeah, I am fine! (while busy covering my boobs during feeding time and telling Jared to finish his lunch including the veggies).

The truth is – I AM NOT OKAY. I NEED HELP. I NEED AN ASSISTANT.

My motherhood journey aren’t always neat and beautiful as my Instagram/Pinterest feed. Some days are glorious. Some days are scabrous. Some days I win a lottery. Some days I lost my sanity.

Unlike my husband who had an above average EQ level. Mine is probably on the edge of the bottom line. I struggle with my patience a lot. However, I do not let this fact define who am I as a mom. I realised as a parent, we are the role model of our kids behaviour. Thus, it is very important for me to keep my physical and emotion being in front of my kids by keeping my sanity.

On a bad day; or when thing goes wrong. I do these 6 rituals to help me back to my rational state of mind.

1. STOP & BREATH

Mom-hood is indeed a full on job from am to pm. Busy busy busy…it’s all I can say. I rarely find myself sitting on the couch with stretched leg. When the bub were finally asleep, your 3yo were calling you to be his sparring partner.

Mom-hood is selfless, you decide to put someone else’s need above yours. However, this would become a boomerang when we forget to maintain our health being. We may feel over-giving and lost to the occasion.

Being a mom is like having 3984 tabs opened at the same time. Your brain never stops working. Imagine if you never switch your computer to sleep mode or forget to format your hard disc. One day it hang randomly from overused/overloaded. Same thing with our brains, we gotta remind ourself to stop and breath. Your baby can cry for another 5 minutes without getting injured. Give yourself a space to restart your button. Lock yourself behind those pantry doors.

2. DRINK WATER

A new study found that drinking water can improve your mood.

Breastfeeding takes up a lot of my energy and time. It consumed me to a deeper emotion level sometimes while keeping up with a busy buzzy toddler. So, in order for me to win my everyday hustle, I have to keep myself hydrated. Drink a lot of water when things go wrong, let it cool the heat within me. Or probably

3. TURN ON SOME MUSIC

Music, more than any other art form, has the power to give me an immediate emotional hit. Everyone has a song that can instantly make them cry, or a tune they can’t help but dance to. Music is an easy way to manage not only our feelings, but how we function. At this point, I would do whatever helps to get my mojo back. SO TURN IT ON HIGH AND DANCE TO IT. And let the kids dance around too.

4. HAVE SHOWER

Having a warm bath helps me relaxed my tension muscles. But, hey mama, isn’t bath time is a luxury thing we get to do most of the days?! Yes, it is! When I can’t fit myself to the shower, at least I manage myself to wash my face and both hands. And let this warm water does its magic to my mood.

5. PHONE A FRIEND

You need to let it out. Let me clear it up once again. YOU NEED TO SAY IT LOUD. that you are having such a crap day. do not keep it for yourself. let the world knows you are not okay today. Trash that negative vibes out of your mind, mouth, and body. I guarantee it will instantly ease your burden. SAY IT LOUD OR WRITE IT CLEAR!

Get some confirmations that you are not alone on this. Get your tribe to cheer you up and shower you with word of affirmations and encouragements.

6. WORD

Before I ended my day and labelled it a “bad day” – let me get back to His word. All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right – 2 Timothy 3:16 (NLT)

His word gives me perspective while the world gives me an objection. And I choose that WHO AM I IS DEFINED BY THE WORD NOT THE WORLD. I am wonderful and beautiful, I am called to do this, He equips and enables me to finish the task.

7. GET SOME SLEEP

Last but not least, cuddle your precious bears and rest with them together. Forget the laundries and dishes. Leave the toys & crumbs on the ground. Do not put so much pressure on your shoulders. Enjoy the cuddles for a little longer before they outgrown your hugs, kisses and bed. 😉

Keeping my sanity is very important for me. I believe of our capacity to love others is determined through our contentment about ourself. Our feelings are transcend through our action. And kids, they are able to feel our pain and disappointment.

Everyday I want to learn to love myself better and to love my kids deeper. May you also have the same desire. And again I remind you, that it is okay to be not okay. You are human and you are normal. Ask for help TODAY by clicking the links below: (no way sponsored)

Beyond Blue

R U OK

LIFELINE

Love,

Kenny

7 PREGNANCY BATTLES AND BLESSINGS

There is a promise for every battle

Life is “battle and blessing”

When we are in a battle it is hard to believe that it will ever to come to an end. When we are in a period of blessing we sometimes expect it will go on forever. But life is not like that. There are battles and blessings.

It’s not a secret that our family is struggling to conceive this 2nd baby. But, at the end, it happened. This process has taught me a lesson; that life always being on two tracks, battles and blessings. At any given moment in life there are usually blessings, but also battles to face. It is all about perspective. At the end of the day, your perspective towards life will determine your way of living.

While I am battling with the uncomfortable pregnancy symptoms, I am more assured of bigger blessings/healthier baby God is knitting inside my womb.

My 7 Pregnancy Battles and Blessings

Morning sickness – Whoever came up with this symptom’s name, he/she must not been pregnant before. Ha. Seriously… It doesn’t only happen in the morning. literally. It may visit you at any times of the day or perhaps it goes ALL DAY long for the entire 40 weeks. With my 2nd pregnancy, I experienced worse morning sickness than previous one. It often hits at night time before bed, or the when I was in the hot shower. What a good timing…(says no mum ever). HOWEVER, these continuous events boost my confidence that the baby’s growing healthy inside my womb, especially during the risky first 12 weeks of his life.
Growing bust and breast – My bras are suffocating me. That’s what I feel every day. My bra size went 2 sizes up the moment I reached my 2nd tri-semester. And still going up today. HOWEVER, I am glad knowing that my breasts are working hard and its best in storing up some good produce milk for my long awaiting newborn. So today, #nobra is my my favourite state of life. 😉
Changing hormones – Mood swing game strong. I cried a lot over tiny mistakes. I got really annoyed over small things. Often it creates a dark atmosphere in the house, and affect everyone else in the house. Then again I feel guilty. It’s a constant battle to control your own emotions and behaviours towards others, HOWEVER, I feel grateful for this learning ground to practice my patience and self-control. FYI, I prays a lot God please help me to get through the day.
Stretchmarks – I have tried many different methods to avoid stretch-marks but my skins cracked anyway. Then, I feel ugly and loose my confident. HOWEVER, the more I see other moms posting their postpartum belly, I realised that its like a free permanent tattoo on your tummy symbolising life and love. It is truly precious and beautiful.
Urine leeking – WHAT?! I peed myself?! I can’t help it. It’s embarrassing. HOWEVER, the pressure of the growing uterus on the bladder is the indication of my baby growing bigger and stronger accordingly. No complaints.
Forgetful brains – Dang…I left my keys in the house again! Call hubby to come to rescue. HOWEVER, I am grateful for this “pregnancy brain”, it is the season where I need to learn to SLOW DOWN and do things one at a time.
Siblings changing behaviour – This one kills me slowly day by day. My 3 year old son cries a lot than ever. He wants mommy more than ever. He behaves ridiculously silly more than ever. He needs mommy to carry him more than ever. I am tired. HOWEVER, on the other hand, I am glad to have all the cuddles and kisses exclusively all by myself. So, I choose to enjoy this tough moments.

I am HAPPY where I AM today. Despite of the constant battles I have to face everyday, all of them are truly blessings in disguise to me. I am so READY for the next season with my 2 boys. It’s gonna be fun and more rough (slightly)…

Wish me luck. X

Love,

Kenny