DO NOT FIND BALANCE BETWEEN MARRIAGE AND KIDS

I heard this statement a lot – “find balance between your marriage and kids” which sounds a lot of sense to my ears BUT it seems impossible to my brain. How can you balance the amount of time a mom spends to clean up the unnecessary discharges of her baby’s butt in a day? How can you balance the amount of time a mom put up with millions unreasonable question of a 3-year-old? How can you balance the sleep hours of a busy mom of three under 5? How can you balance the hours a mom spend to help the kids out with their home works? How can you balance a sex life while the little living creatures could easily creep on your bed at anytime they want?

BALANCING sounds unrealistic to my relationship with my spouse. I could never expect him to spend as many hours as I spend with my son. I would never be satisfied by comparing how much “me-time” I have sacrificed for my son to how much “me-time” my spouse have sacrificed for my son. Simply because we fill a different role for our son. As his mother, I am responsible to fill his mental provision and security needs, such as: character qualities building, academic studies need to be developed in her children. Whereas, my spouse, a father, is responsible to fill his physical & financial provision and security needs, such as: developed defence skill, sports buddy, the source of family’s financial support. And we both work together to build up my son’s spiritual needs. Thus, we could never be able to compare our deeds to one another equally. We both hold a totally different important role to my kid’s development. So in this case, I would never be able to find the silver lining of BALANCE within our relationship.

The moment we’re focusing too much on the word “BALANCING” the more frustrated we are from falling behind further the target. Here’s the case, “BALANCE” is talking about an even distribution of weight enabling someone or something to remain upright and steady. Balance is correlated with the word even. And when we started to zoom in to the amount each one of us have put up with our kids to date, don’t be surprise to find out the truth of an UNEVEN result. And, most of the times, this is the thing that made people struggles to maintain their sparks and romances between spouses. One blames another, and the other defences themselves.

There’s NOTHING WRONG with each individual, they are just measuring things with the wrong scale at the right time. 

So, in my house instead of “finding the balance between marriage and kids”, we would come to a place of “AGREEMENT”. WE STOP BALANCING THINGS, WE MOVE TOWARDS AGREEING ON THINGS. We put aside our own scales, we sit down and talk through the issues (eg: time management, sex life, emotional breakdown, financial difficulties, child’s behaviour), we analyse the pros and cons, and come up with absolute solutions. In other words, we both agree on a certain approach to our problems. And, I, personally, found this method really helps me to boost a confidence inside of me; which sometimes is hardly found in a stay-at-home mum. That I have a quiet powerful voice which could impact my spouse, my kid and the world. And this is my SUPER POWER. And yours too super mama.

One of our agreements that we always keep for the past 3 years of our journey together as as a parent is to DATE one another once a week. And I am glad we did, because without it, I would probably forget how to smile and laugh. X

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Love,

Kenny

#THANKYOUPARTNER – ZAIBOB : KIDS WINTER MUST HAVE ACCESSORIES

Another series continued today, I would like to thank you my next partner for my current RELAUNCH PROJECT (www.mamaonrepeat.com); Zaibob THANK YOU!

Zaibob was launched in December 2015 when owner/designer Kalee Abdollahi started the label inspired by her son Zai. Zaibob is all about creating fashion forward clothing and accessories for your little ones. We like to create clothes that allow kids to be kids without having to sacrifice style. 

As you’ve read above, Zaibob is focusing on kids fashion. And who can skip a mini fashion section. hey?? Oh lawd….you know you’re a mom, the moment you started to load your shopping basket with kids stuffs and clothes, aren’t you? But, sometimes shopping on shelf is impossible for me. The demands of my toddlers are way beyond my ability to shop. So, again I ended up in the kinder egg surprise stalls. Thus, I do a lot of online shopping at home, which gives me more time to pick and drop on my cart. And, YES! I love shop small, they are amazingly talented and quality driven.

So, I have been connecting with Zaibob since 2016, it was Jared’s first brand repping. And the moment we received their goods. We fell in love straight away. Kalee has a divine sewing skill. I love how neat the finish product was. I remembered that winter was approaching the time we rep for Zaibob, and I was in need for some winter accessories for boys, because they don’t have much in store other wool beanie. Jared is suffering from eczema, so he can only wear cotton fabric. Yeahhh..wool beanie is NOT an option for us. Thank God, Zaibob delivered me such a right product for us; slouchy beanie. And it’s stylish too. Jared wears them every single day during winter/autumn until now. It is a great way to hide a “pillow hair” for the kids too. 😉

And I am super thrilled to hear the news that Zaibob just relaunched their new range of slouchy beanies with a thicker fabric + more range of colours selection. So ready for a chilly spring and freezing under here. Are you?! Check out their website for more range of kids fashion http://www.zaibob.com

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SO….WHICH ONE IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOR? xx

 

Love,

Kenny

NEW WAYS TO DEAL WITH TANTRUMS & REBELLIOUS TODDLER

 

Attention to bad behavior increases bad behavior (yelling, lecturing, scolding, spanking and punishing are all forms of negative attention), while attention to good behavior increases good behavior.

I was struggling to deal with a two year old J. He becomes fussier, more demanding, more fractious, more resistant, more stubborn. I freaked out whenever the tantrums hit. Especially ON PUBLIC, when I’m doing groceries or coffee catch-ups. When all eyes are ON me; all fingers are pointing AT me. Yelling, spanking, bribery, I literally unload all stuffs inside my bag. I did everything I could, but he went more hysterical and rebels against me.

And then I read above quote : Attention to bad behavior increases bad behavior (yelling, lecturing, scolding, spanking and punishing are all forms of negative attention), while attention to good behavior increases good behavior.

Then I realised that I’ve been give a wrong approach to J’s tantrums and bad behaviours. The harder I push myself on fixing his bad behaviour, the more efforts he will hardened himself to change. It’s just the nature of growing. So, I’ve learned from my mistakes.

And here are my successful tips in dealing with tantrums and rebellious toddler:

  1. Try to BE CALM in every situation : your kids are able to sense your feelings/emotions. If they see you’re panicking, they will become one too. But, if they see your calm face, then they will calm down themselves too. When they hear you yell or scream, they will cry even harder.
  2. Learn to IGNORE – or walk away from annoying behaviour : when you stop giving attention to the annoying behaviour, there’s nothing in it for the child. They may start to throw more tantrums at first for not getting what they want as it used to be, but eventually they will realise that tantrums won’t work anymore.
  3. DISTRACT their focus to their favourite things : this trick is the best magic we could ever do to Mr. J, this guy loves his snack time, and whenever he cries in the car, in the laundry, under my feet, I always straight away offer him food. And as soon as he hears snacks, he stop crying. Do not focus on saying “don’t cry, stop crying” cause it makes them more focus on the crying itself, cause that’s the only word they could hear from us.
  4. Give an instruction only ONCE : Don’t foster greater disobedience by giving it a lot of attention. If you focus on their defiance, it will actually increase. With J, I try to tell him once and then watch his following reaction from a far. Most of the results surprise me.
  5. CHANGE our language – find the “positive opposite” of “stop” and “don’t” instead of saying “do not use your shoes at home”, change it to “please take off your shoes before you enter the house”
  6. REWARD every positive good behaviours they do : after all, this thing matter the most, they learn and grow become a better person. So, every little praise, smile, high five, word of encouragement counts. Give extra attention to the positive behaviour they do and give them an assurance that they are on the right track.

These methods NOT only works well for Jared, but for me too. It gave me a big change. To be ease on myself, cause after all, I can’t change people according to my time and will. I can expect them to change the way I want them to be in such period of time. I gotta remind myself that I’m dealing with a 2.9 feet tall human being that see things differently than what I see. One way to understand their perspective is by kneeling down on their shoes and become a mature version of them. So, mommies, let’s take a deep breath and be easy on ourself and to our kids more. As long as we live on this earth, we are all still on the run of learning process. This is called the SCHOOL OF LIFE. xx

 

Love,

 

the Tjungs